Proud Parents

                             BENDER

               You know what I got for
               Christmas this year?  It was a
               banner fuckin’ year at the old
               Bender family!  I got a carton of
               cigarettes.  The old man grabbed me
               and said “Hey!  Smoke up Johnny!”
               Okay, so go home an? cry to your
               daddy, don’t cry here, okay?
     There are a few beats.
                            ANDREW
               My God, are we gonna be like our
               parents?
                            CLAIRE
               Not me…ever…
                           ALLISON
               It’s unavoidable, it just happens.
                            CLAIRE
               What happens?
                           ALLISON
               When you grow up, your heart dies.

-The Breakfast Club

There’s no one in the world that has more influence on how we develop– our attitudes, behaviors, decisions, psychology, language, immune system– than our parents. Everyone, naturally, looks to their parents first as an example for behavior. When we grow older, they exert their attitudes and morals on us through a system of punishments and rewards, through a lack or abundance of restrictions and freedoms. Through these various systems, they force their values onto us because they believe they are teaching and conditioning us to be upright and productive members of society. Beneath this, however, is the equally deep influence on the environment of the home, which seemingly inevitably dictates how we develop as people. When we grow older, we recognize this influence, and either reject it or internalize it, but rejecting is always harder than it seems.

Recently, I’ve been thinking a lot about my parents, the way I was brought up, the environment in which I developed, and the way in which those factors have influenced my personality. I’ve also thought about what kind of parent I would be. Would I force my children into the same interests as me? Would I accept them for what they desired and achieved, regardless of how it conflicted with my expectations or wishes? Would I be able to tiptoe the vague line between guardianship and tyranny? I criticize my own parents a lot, but would I be able to do better?

I grew up in what one could call a “broken” home. My parents were divorced when I was 6, and my dad remarried several years later. For as long as I can clearly remember, I’ve had two households, switching back and forth between my mom and my dad every other week. For as long as I’ve known anyone, there was the distinction between my “mom’s house” and my “dad’s house,” both of which included a different set of rules, standards, privileges and addresses. My mom was more libertarian, she lets my brothers and I do whatever we wanted so long as we stayed out of trouble, and, when we got in trouble, usually still didn’t care all that much. She didn’t punish us, but sometimes the frustration would continually build until it hit the inevitable breaking point. My dad was very different. My stepmother and father imposed strict rules on us, made us clean our rooms, demanded where we went at night and dictated we MUST be home at a certain time (both of which still continue today), and punished us harshly and with the traditional methods of being sent to your room or made to sit in the corner or just the dreaded “evil eye.” There is a bathroom off of our livingroom that neither my brothers nor I, and only on occasions that my stepmom was not awake, my father could use. My mother refered to it as “our house.” Each household had a different environment, and I have a different relationship with my mother and my father and my stepmother. I can see what I’ve taken from each of my parents (ironically, my stepmom may have had the strongest influence).

I return to the central question: are we destined to become our parents? When you’re young, you’re blind to your parents’ shortcomings. You accept them as the ultimate example. You follow and emulate their every move. As a young adult, however, I am no longer blinded and the fact that I not longer live with my parents for most of the year alerts me more keenly to their personalities and their faults. College allowed me, and many others I would think, the opportunity to develop away from my parents and to gain a more secure sense of self, which may or may not be compatible with my high school person. I’ve realized my stepmother and father were controlling, demanding, intimidating and, quite often, anal. They always expected a lot out of my brothers and I, and this probably prepared me to be academically successful. My mother was very lenient and messy, but this is probably when my open-mindedness came from. I also, however, fear I have gained the worst parts of my parents. I am overly critical of myself and others, and I do not always confront people or handle problems with others properly. I have a tendency to let things build and build, until I can no longer contain it. These are problems for me, and they are obstacles in my personality that I must level and overcome. It’s interesting to think about where they come from, and I believe they reside in the split household of my youth. I look at my brothers, and I find their faults, too, reside in leaning too far towards one extreme (the leniency of my mom) or the other (the strictness of my father and stepmother).

I don’t want to give off the wrong impression. I am grateful towards my parents. They have always supported me in my endeavours, and I have never doubted their love. They’re human, they have faults. Don’t we all? This is not a bitter post, or a negative evaluation, but rather a self-reflective musing. I have faults, and I believe these faults are a product of my upbringing. They are, however, my faults. They are also a product of the way in which I, fairly or unfairly, perceive my environment. The are a product of my own mental environment and the choices I have made in my friends and pursuits. My brothers and I all grew up in the same environment and, albeit we all have faults, they are different faults. Our faults are a product of the environment we created, as a family.

What kind of father would I be? My friend told me I’d be a pusher. I would push my children into be replicas of myself: runners who love art and writing. Straight-A students. Self-demanding. I can only hope that I wouldn’t be so vain and self-centered to do that. I like to think I would allow my children to be whatever they liked and love them anyway. I would hope that I would be as open-minded about my child’s endeavours as my parents were with me (my father and mother, by the way, are overweight and work desk jobs, my father is an accountant and my mother a sales rep. I am an english major and marathoner). Parenting is a tough job, probably the toughest that there is, and I’m glad that I have a long time before I have to worry about it. I don’t think we’re destined to become our parents, despite their overwhelming influence on our development, but I’m finding now that it’s tough to be aware of how your parents have affected your environment and yourself and then break from that. Its tough, after so many years of subordination, be stand up on your own.

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